The days wore on me and I often felt stripped of myself when you and your brother were very little. It made me feel terrible knowing that I felt so eager for the days of diapers and nightly feedings to hurry past us. Everyone told me to cherish it.
I don’t regret how I felt then; how can you? I felt what I felt. My feelings were valid. I wanted you two to grow more independent because I missed myself. I worried so much, fear of messing up as a parent and doing things all wrong got in the way of my happiness. It wasn’t terrible, just not what I expected. I still felt incredibly lucky to stay home with you each day, but still I felt like it would never end.
And now. Now, all I hear from your perfectly pursed lips each day is how big you are and how you’re “like a grown-up”. You want to be a Mom so badly, in fact, when asked what you’d like to be when you grow up, you proudly reply that you want to be a mom. It makes me so proud to have you ask me things like, “Mama, will you help me get my baby out when I grow up?” and how you nurse your “babies” daily, but my heart literally aches to think how much has changed in 6 months. You’re big now. So big and independent. Just what I wanted. Right?
Well no, things feel different now. Now, all I want to do is pour your little 4-year-old soul into a jar and keep it safe forever. I don’t want this to end. It’s so weird. In fact, I feel like it’s totally irrational. Maybe this happens in your 30’s??? I don’t really know.
I love that you want to help me with everything and I won’t ever turn you down when you offer. Tonight, while you learned to chop tomatoes, I realised that I must be doing a few things right. Because you are a living reflection of me, your father, and all the people we let into your life. So, thank you for all that you are and for giving me a reason to be a better person every single day.
So here’s what I need you to know right now, in this very moment. You’re so lovely. In every way possible, you’re lovely. You are light and love and all things wonderful on the Earth. You have the best sense of humour, your creativity is explosive, and your empathetic heart is unwavering. I cherish you.